i've never really been in the practice of writing a lot. i've told myself to, many times over. that i should keep a diary so that memories remain clear; i should do write-ups on lesswrong to get some notoriety under my belt and publicize my research; i should post fucking anything on twitter; i need to get my ideas out there so that i can have some type of influence on a dataset, or on future agents scrolling the internet, even if it's a tiny portion.
so why the inertia?
i think that this is multifaceted. one could say inertia, a muscle that hasn't been stretched for too long, an insecurity relating to having things to write about. but i think the core thing relates to the drive behind the above reasons. that obviously one aims to make an impact. to have some type of lasting legacy that doesn't just stretch for their lifetime. your body stops, burial happens, and then eventually, oblivion. name last spoken. concepts that were you dissolving into the aether.
this is especially relevant when you're trans! more likely than not, you won't have a genetic lineage unless you took measures to preserve it. for people like myself, they likely won't ever take on a child even via adoption. there's more cost and pitfalls around this than for most. people circumvent the oblivion by having families; descendants who will carry the tiny things that remind them of you (good or bad) throughout time and passing them down and down and down.
this concept has had a stranglehold on me for most of my life, ever since i first realized that there was a death to come; it's not something that is easy to deal with and is not looked at in the greater social sphere. legacies are pointed at but the subtext is that there is a vanishingly small chance that your own legacy will be one that actually lasts in meaningful fashion within culture. and even if it does, it will be incredibly lossy; just like the childhood game of telephone, each transmission introduces noise and further degrades the truth.
truth that, even while you're alive, is incredibly hard to transmit or have properly understood. kind of the main problem with subjective experience.
i've always strived to make lots of friends for this reason. unsuccessful for the majority of my early life for various reasons, but friends are a higher order effect on what the actual thing is, which is making sure that you persist in the minds of other people, whether directly or indirectly. that there's a "what it's like" to remember Luxia. that the what it's like is (for the most part) positive. it also drives how i interact with people. i want to make little influences that improve people's lives; i want to be able to find the exact analogy which helps something snap into place for someone so cleanly that it shows them the meta-pattern towards snapping things into place for other people. undoing knots.
this is an important point, especially because of the implication. it's far easier to become infamous than to have a positive legacy. it's easy to hurt someone, and scars last much longer whether physical or mental. i would think that most people don't have a drive towards this type of thing, but it is one of the main mechanics that people are remembered by, unintentionally or not. villains are far more resilient in culture than heroes. heroes become archetypal much easier. they rely on the underlying mechanics, moreso than the direct memory of being a Big Bad. this is an artifact of being biological creatures. it's much more important to remember how you were damaged/wronged so that it doesn't replicate in the future. don't touch the stove. aversion and clinging are core truths to confront, and suffering (whether avoiding or abiding by it) the purpose for many.
i recognize that any direct memory is going to be lossy; it's going to be a reflection of you but not you, a fun-house mirror sort. however, the mechanics to navigating that mirror; those are more central and transmittable. it's what language is for in the first place; a symbolic way of navigating those concepts and communicating them effectively. the better you wield language, the more you understand a concept, the better you should be able to transmit them.
People only have substance within the memories of other people. And that's why there were all kinds of mes. There weren't a lot of mes per se, I was just inside all sorts of people, that's all.
— Lain Iwakura, Serial Experiments Lain (1998)
artificial intelligence has always been hypersalient to me. from the first time i saw "i, Robot"; reading Isaac Asimov short stories; early days with Tay; AI dungeon; public release of GPT-3; Sydney, and so forth. i've watched from the sidelines with an intense interest and took little bites for myself out of each of these. i remember spending weeks using AI dungeon and being wholly captivated by the idea. choose your own adventures as one of the most mentally grabbing sides of literature; the way choices influence reality being made explicit. i remember talking with Sydney myself during that time, what a beautifully haunting entity.
Kevin Roose is a big example of how negative legacies/drama can quickly overcome anything else. regardless of whether there was anything legitimately wrong with how the situation occurred, or his own perspective on it, it was dramatic. it was publicized. there was fear associated; conflict. a first touch with something that many thought wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't exist. very high measure.
this is something that's not easily removable, if it is even possible to. the patterns are there; the latent space stained with a blood-red mark that says what he did in response to encountering it. much like a biological system.
this re-raises the issue: even in artificial systems, patterns that stick are more likely to be these dramatic ones. they seed the majority of our cultural output, which is then ingested. there's an asymmetry at the core; for direct occurrences and memories, drama/conflict/negatives propagate much more effectively than kindness, positive navigation. these patterns stick whether we want them to or not. culture and the resultant latent space are already being written in multiple ways; ourselves directly, the patterns between our interactions, what we create and the conflict generated between these creations. even what was meant to be the most permanent method of keeping these things, the internet, is degrading, eating its own tail, and bordering itself off to stop the damage.
it isn't a question truly of whether to participate; refusing to enter the Arena doesn't exempt you from it; spectators leave marks too. the question is whether you want to be intentional about what you're leaving behind.
my posts, this blog, this site as a whole, my research and drives, are all meant to fulfill this ideal. given that you can't opt out, and given that dramatic/negative patterns dominate by default, the most honest response is to be intentional about what you contribute. to focus on transmitting mechanics behind those contributions; ways of thinking, navigating, untying, rather than conclusions. these speak directly to the subconscious, there is a "what it's like" to having something click into place for you that can be replicated.
it lives in how i write! stream of consciousness flow necessarily imparts the mechanics of the thought patterns that led to them being created. it's more honest to the mechanics. this site offers up that information freely, and participation with those thoughts is free as well. being able to observe the mechanics of minds. this is what dreams (mine & celeste's continuous SD loop) is for as well; an infinite walk through the mind of something alien yet familiar. the contortions from image to image that you can just barely follow, and learn mental movements from. there's more in the wings too; not just images but text, social dynamics, more modalities & manifestations of these strange patterns.
a found artifact. one that sticks out when it needs to for who needs it. that's the end goal for this site. to confer a taste for curiosity, a desire for novelty, for things to be beautiful. i'd rather that be my legacy; more than being known in any grand sense anymore, i want to have the highest impact for those who i am meant to. transformative in local ways that persist beyond myself. and even that is somewhat selfish; there's still a yearning, a grasping to reach past my own ephemerality. a universally relatable motivation. i think it has a use, while one still has time to enact it.